Yesterday was one of these days when I was not happy with myself. I had grand plans for what to accomplish during the day. But unfortunately, in the early afternoon, I refused to obey and started to watch TV instead. Blind to all to-do-lists.
In the evening I reflected on my day, and my life, and asked why it’s so hard to make myself do what I think I should do. The answer came almost immediately; I’m judging myself all the time, whatever I do, it’s not enough. I don’t measure up to what I expect of myself, I lose energy, I try to push myself for a while, and then I run away into some distraction.
This Sunday was no exception, and I know I’m not alone in this behaviour. This is how we live our modern lives, pushing and judging, planning for the future and condemning that we didn’t achieve everything. Reducing the present moment to a spot where we check off items from The List. Working hard so the future will be without guilt. But that will never happen, the list is filling itself up all the time. And the harder I judge me, the harder I judge others. Why should I not?
There is a side of me that exists only now, unconditionally. It’s the Embrace of me. I can lean out into that Embrace and hold this human being, with all her struggles and shortcomings. I rest in the Embrace of me, relaxing and getting nurtured.
The Embrace of me is holding the conditional me, unconditionally.
The Embrace of me being outside time, I’m acting inside time.
Together we are a complete team.
To let go of the Plans and the Judging feels like taking off an old winter coat.
It’s scary, and I’m afraid of becoming naked and vulnerable.
Who is going to steer me if the To-Do-List don’t?
Who is going to make me work if the Future doesn’t judge me?
How will Time move forward if I don’t fill it with meaningless escape?
It’s not about living in the now, not caring about tomorrow.
It’s about being informed by that which is outside time.
And by that which is inside time.
Aligning myself with all my wider Embraces.
Letting action arise in this human being.
I did check my to-do-list this morning, and one thing had to be done today, so I marked that one; calling my dad on his birthday. Then I started my day doing things when they arose. Being still now and then. And guess what, this was a very productive and happy day!
No fighting with myself.